Depression - From the inside looking out

I came across this account from a person who suffers from anxiety and depression. Often expressing oneself and articulating how you feel so others understand is impossible. This account really resonated with me and I felt like I had to share it. I would love to hear what you think xx

Depression – From the inside

Sometimes I sit and look out at the world and wonder if anyone sees how out of it I feel. Do they know I am only going through the motions of being a normal person? You may see me in the post office buying stamps or at the supermarket getting the weekly shop. What you don’t see is the internal battle that is constantly raging. Dealing with the constant, internal monologue, fighting the urge to run and hide, the urge to scream to see if anyone looks around then I will know I am real. I have this sense of just floating, of not really being, what if the anchor that keeps me participating in this world vanishes – what then? What will I become? Will I vanish? Will I cease to be? Is this why I hurt myself? To feel something real, even if it is pain, if I feel it and can see it then it’s real, so I must be real too right?

I often wonder if this mask that I have created will become permanent. Is this how it will always be for me? Participating, going through the motions but not really being or feeling? Not feeling as though I have any true worth. Am I the only one who feels like this? My emotions feel fake at times, forced, but then I am hit with a rush of pure, true emotion which leaves me breathless and then questioning as to which is real? Which is normal?

Ah normal! Who are you? What are you? If only I knew then maybe I wouldn’t feel so isolated. I want to ask people if they too are plagued by never ending questions in their mind. Do they analyse everything they’ve said to people and then worry about how it was taken, if the person does like them, what do they think of them, do they remember random conversations from a few weeks, months, years ago? Do they analyse it? Remember it? Worry about it? These thoughts are constant, I can’t turn them off.

With this going on internally all day, every day is it any wonder why I am so exhausted all the time? Why I struggle to remember things and why some chunks of time are just lost? Some days it is all I can do to get out of bed. But how do I explain this to my husband, my children? How could they ever possibly understand when I don’t really understand either?

So, I’ll have a cry, try to be mindful, be in the moment, try the other million techniques that have worked for others, all the while praying that it will work for me. While all the time the internal voice never really goes away, never really turns off, never seems to want to let me win.

Anon.

#depression #anxiety #lost #thoughts #head #mind