Relationships and Communication
Poor communication would appear to be a common relationship issue. We seem more willing to work on our communication with work colleagues and friends than we do with our significant other. Communications with our partners seem filled with un-communicated meaning, expectations and beliefs. We seem to think that as we have been with our partner for a long time they must know us and therefore know what we mean even if we don’t express ourselves clearly or fully.
Have you ever responded to a question with “Just do whatever you want” and then got upset because your partner didn’t do what you wanted them to?
Bought something up in an argument that is unrelated and/or happened a long time ago but has been eating you up inside and you just needed to get it out?
Feel frustrated that you are not listened to, that you don’t feel heard, that you are not being understood or that your partner is only listening to reply and not listening to hear?
Please believe me when I say you are not alone in this. Communication is a two way street and sometimes that way we communicate and interpret messages can add to our feelings of frustration and not being heard.
When working with clients to improve the communication in the relationship there are 4 things I always start with:
1. Mindfulness Communication.
Are you aware of the words and tone you are using? If someone was to speak to you in the same way how would you respond? Would you be willing to hear the message that was trying to be communicated?
2. Openness and Honesty.
Are you unsure what your partner was trying to communicate to you? After a conversation or disagreement do you spend time wondering about what they meant and coming up with different scenarios or meanings? I think at some point we have all been guilty of this. I always encourage open and honest communication between myself and my clients – if you are unsure of anything – ask! I encourage clients to do this with their partner – unsure if what they said was in jest or in earnest? ASK!!
3. Respectful Communication.
I’m sure that in the heat of the moment we have all used an expletive or two – whether it be out of exacerbation, anger or just wanting to lash out and hurt the other person. Words spoken in anger are often quickly forgotten by the speaker but long remembered by the receiver and they can hurt, play on our mind and cause a lot of unhappiness. THINK about what you are saying – try to remain calm and in control of your thoughts. If this is not possible ask for a time out – take a break before something is said that cannot be taken back.
4. Share to good stuff.
Our lives are getting busier and busier and often the communication with our partner becomes a litany of what is wrong in our lives and what we wish was different. I encourage my clients to take 10 minutes every day to just talk to their partner. Make sure the TV is off, phones are out of reach and if you have kids they are in bed or at least settled in their rooms and are unlikely to disturb you. Then share something from your day that is positive – it could be something funny someone said, something silly you missed or the fact that you thought of them during the day when xyz happened.
Relationships and communication take work. We, and the world around us, are constantly changing and it is important to have regular discussions and conversations with our significant others to keep abreast of what is happening in our respective worlds.
If you have any questions or feel you and would benefit from seeing someone to help with your communication please do not hesitate to contact me. I offer in-home sessions on weekday evenings – you don’t have to worry about babysitters or leaving the comfort of your home. For more information or to make an appointment email wendy@amazeinlifecounselling.com.au
Please feel free to share your thoughts and any techniques that you have tried that work for you and your partner – I love hearing from you.
With love & kindness
Wendy
