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Self Esteem, Self Worth and Self Love – you can’t have one without the others!!

Wendy Bennett
Feb 27, 2015
3 min read

The issue of self esteem is a big one for a lot of women. It is difficult to discover a sense of self to value when we are constantly bombarded with messages of what we “should” look like, how we “should” feel and what we “should” be doing. That word “should” has a lot to answer for!!

To have self esteem one must first have a sense of self worth. It is a bit of a cliché but if you don’t love yourself you will never accept the love of others. You need to feel as though you are worthy of love, compliments and good things before you are able to accept receiving them. Have you ever noticed that you can get 5 compliments about something but it is that one little criticism or error that gets your attention? Focusing on the negative seems to be a natural occurrence for women.

So, to cut to the chase, to develop a sense of self worth leading to good self esteem one must challenge the internal negative self talk and the all or nothing mentality.

This takes time and commitment – it is not going to happen overnight. However, through perseverance and practice you can change the way your mind works. You may not be able to entirely eliminate the internal negativity beast but you can learn to take his remarks on the chin and not let them take over.

So how do you do this?

Challenge your internal thoughts for accuracy, truth and relevance – you can either do this via a conversation in your mind or in a thought journal.I have found a thought journal to be more useful as it allows you to identify recurring thoughts, patterns or themes.
At the end of each day make a list of all the wins and successes you have had, keep this list in a journal or diary or somewhere you will regularly see it.This will help when you challenge that negative internal dialogue.
When you face challenges or feel you have failed take some time to analyse your thoughts.It is very easy to slip into a catastrophising mind frame.With thoughts such as “I am so stupid, I always make that mistake” is it valid?What events during the day prove you are not stupid?Are there times when you have faced a similar situation and succeeded?i.e. Is every email sent to the wrong person or with typing/spelling/grammatical errors?
Start everyday in a positive way.Before you even get out of bed tell yourself something positive – doesn’t have to be earth shatteringly insightful, just something small like “You are worthy, you are capable, today is going to be a good day”

Remember to stick with it, practice, practice, practice. Think of how many years this internal negativity beast has dominated your thoughts and influenced your life. You are not going to defeat him overnight; it’s going to take time.

Now, back to that word “should”, the word that can be the creator of so many insecurities, feelings of inferiority and guilt. When you are telling yourself “you should be able to look after x number of kids, keep a clean/tidy house, manage the budget, hold down a job etc etc – ask yourself – “By who’s standard am I judging myself ?” Is it because the woman on the TV seems to be able to do it all, celebrities look gorgeous, have families/careers etc etc or that is what society expects, or all my friends on Facebook seem to manage life better than I do!!

Judging and comparing is unfortunately ingrained in us from a young age. Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with a little healthy competition, it helps give us drive, but if it is causing stress or anxiety then it is not a healthy pursuit in which to indulge. It is important to remember that we are all different; we are all in different circumstances and have different life experiences. So remember, before the inevitable comparing begins, give yourself a chance of coming out on top by examining how much like your life the person to whom you are comparing yourself with has (As much I would love to be, I know that Angelina Jolie and I are not on a level playing field, hell, we aren’t even in the same game LOL!).